you're gonna go far kid
by xfucktheglasses
Summary: Basically, you suck at getting people laid. Go home. —NaLu, Gruvia.


SO this was written for **kerapal bubbles** who asked for a NaLu... I swear that's what I was going for before this came up. BUT IT STILL HAS NALU I SWEAR? I hope you like it, man I suck ):

Also, I made Human!Happy. Love me.

(also, I do this thing where I write AU's in a fandom until I feel comfortable with the characters before writing in canon!verse. So. There's that.)

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**you're gonna go far kid**

When Gray walked into his apartment, he stopped mid-step and gaped. Then, he sort of walked back out, closed the door and blinked because was that his apartment—did he have the right one or did he accidentally walk into that old lady's place again? Seriously, if that happened to him one more time…

But on the door was a silver '5' and—and yeah, man, this was his apartment!

So he opened the door again and looked around with blank gray-blue eyes at… All the goddamn mistletoes.

Why were there so much goddamn mistletoes on his ceiling—there was like an army, all in rows going up and down leaving no space for a safety zone. Seriously, whoever was the dickface that sneaked into his place and decorated was trying to get laid.

Gray sighed and closed the door behind him, grabbing at the hem of his shirt and peeling it off.

"Juvia," he drawled loud enough so it could be heard around the entire apartment. "Juvia, come out. What's with all the mistletoe, huh?"

But there was no response and Gray almost growled, low and guttural.

He stalked around his apartment but there… There was no one. Well who the hell made his apartment all red and green?

Gray heard something like soft snickers and he swore under his breath, practically sprinting into the living room and snatching the blue tail before the little fucker could hide somewhere, again.

"Happy, you little dick, what the _fuck_ are you doing?" He lifted the stupid cat up to his eye level, glaring at him through his messy forelocks.

Happy's big eyes were wide with mischief and excitement and something he wanted to classify as fear for his life. "Hey, Gray… Ha-ha… Ha…?"

"What the hell are you doing here, you little shit? And what's with the stupid cat getup? Take this fucking tail off—where's Natsu?"

He dropped the kid on the couch, snatching the fake tail off of him and throwing it aside. From the couch, Happy rubbed at his forehead, pouting at him. "That kinda _hurt_, ass!"

"Take these shits off," Gray retaliated, pointing upwards.

"No! We're throwing a party!"

Gray stared at him. "No we're fucking not."

"Yeah! We have to get Natsu laid, Gray! We _have _to!" Happy jumped over the couch and trailed Gray as he walked into the kitchen. He scratched at his light blue hair, looking around as if the plain kitchen would tell him how to convince Gray to let it happen; which was weird! Gray liked parties because there was girls and booze! Happy's eyes widened. "Think of how the girls would dress up, Gray. Erza as Miss Clause… Mirajane as Santa's little helper… Juvia as Josie Frost… Levy as—"

"Okay, _I get it_!" Gray whirled around on him, his cheekbones a dusty pink and his eyes narrowed. "Are you seriously thirteen?!"

Happy grinned in a manner that reminded Gray too much of his stupid best friend. The stupid kid clapped his hands excitedly and said, "Great! So let's make this place suitable for a porno and then I'll go home and sneak that tequila you gave Natsu for his last birthday—can you seriously believe he hasn't opened it?!"

"Yeah, it's called collection, shrimp—why am I even talking to you. Do whatever, I'm not helping; I'm going to sleep. I hate you, by the fucking way."

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Gray slept through the entire preparations and by the time it was eight in the evening, Happy actually had successfully moved the things out of his living room and stored them somewhere Gray didn't really think he wanted to know. He'd made a refreshment table on the far wall and there was eggnog and punch and… The little shit brought the tequila.

Gray ran a hand through his hair and decided he might as well make himself decent for the damn thing.

By the time he emerged in his usual gear of white t-shirt, leather jacket and dark jeans, people were already in his living room. Elfman and Evergreen were failing to hide their obvious relationship in a far corner, Mirajane (actually dressed as Santa's little helper; Happy the little shit…) was talking to Lisanna (a… Uh… A reindeer… Yes) with Laxus not too far. Levy (another… uh… reindeer) was with her stupid bofriend Gajeel.

And holy shit, Juvia was looking pretty damn—

Oh, look it was Lucy.

Gray cleared his throat, sparing Juvia another glance before walking up to Lucy.

Because seriously, Happy was so transparent and—

Someone kissed him on the lips.

Gray's eyes went wide.

"What the serious—Why the hell did—"

Erza rolled her eyes, "Mistletoe, Gray. We have to keep tradition."

"Erza, I'm going to get kissed with every step I take."

"So you will," she said, dark brown eyes flashing.

Gray cleared his throat again and decided he was going to sneak his way to the refreshment table and—

"Gray, you and Natsu are under a mistletoe," Erza said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

His eyes went wide—when the fuck did Natsu show up and why was he so close to him?! He turned his incredulous eyes towards the stupid idiot, sneering at him and his stupid pink hair and stupidity and, "I'm not kissing _him_, what the hell do you take me for?!"

Erza raised an eyebrow.

And that's how that embarrassing picture of Gray and Natsu came to be.

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"Erza's drunk."

"Fuck you," Gray sneered at the little shit. Wasn't it passed his bedtime?! It was passed midnight! Or was it? Gray was a little buzzed.

Natsu punched his arm, looking highly offended, "Don't talk to my little bro like that, asswipe!"

"Fuck you too, gorilla dong!"

Happy rolled his eyes; the most the spiked eggnog had done was get Erza drunk… And everyone else for that matter. But his stupid big bro had decided to follow Gray's lead and not move away from the table; WHICH WASN'T FAIR AND NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN.

The whole point of going crazy with the mistletoe hanging was to get Natsu and Lucy to kiss!

But so far—

"I've kissed Jellal, Erza, Lisanna, _Gajeel—"_

"Ah, quit your whining! I saw you swapping spit with Juvia!" Happy rolled his eyes.

Gray turned to him looking about ready to murder him in ten different ways. But Happy wasn't fazed; came in handy when you lived with someone like Natsu, this immune thing to death threats. Either way, he sighed, crossing his arms in front of his chest (Charlie was looking fabulous and yet she was still so prissy and never even spared him a glance!) and looked around at the people dancing and kissing and suddenly an idea came up.

"Let's take this to the next level!"

Gray sneered at him again. "Go die."

"If you land under the mistletoe with—"

He went on ignored.

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Natsu wasn't afraid of anything.

Because, seriously, what the hell was there to be afraid of, right? Right! Besides, the challenge was so fucking exhilarating and awesome and—Natsu just didn't know how to talk to girls, okay? Well, okay, he knew how to talk to girls he just _didn't know how to talk to girls_.

He gulped, so goddamn glad Gray was nowhere around him to hear it and because the music was loud enough to hide it.

Lucy had a glass of (no doubt) spiked eggnog in one of her hands, the other one at her hip as she talked and laughed with Mirajane and Levy. And, holy shit, she looked amazing in her white outfit (Frosty the Snow Woman anyone?). And just wow.

Just wow.

He gulped again, turning to spare Gray and Happy one last glance (the former had a very slow and mocking grin on his face and the latter shoved two thumbs up his way) before fixing his scarf and walking towards them. At this point, Erza was too drunk to demand they all kiss each other as tradition were supposed to go so he was safe.

Only he wasn't because what was he supposed to say?!

Talking to Lucy had been the easiest thing ever, just like it was easy to talk to the other girls in their group of friends. But then he started noticing the way her lips would crook more towards the right when she smiled and he counted the shards of yellow in each of her honey brown eyes and he started remembering her when he smelt vanilla in the air.

So then what?

What the hell was he supposed to _say_?

'Hey Luce, you're pretty cute'?

Natsu wrinkled his nose and sped up when Lucy broke away from the other girls because… Because this was his chance!

And then he paused when she turned towards him, crooked grin on her lips and eyes flashing under the dim lighting.

"Hey, Luce," he said sounding as confident as he didn't feel.

Her grin was still intact, this time behind the brim of her glass but he heard her say, "There you are! I've been trying to get to you, but everyone's been getting in the way and… Yeah."

Natsu ran a hand through his pink hair, chuckling awkwardly. His eyes went up and his fingers did a little twitch as he saw a mistletoe right above them. When he looked back down, prepared to ignore it, he saw Lucy staring at it too. And, man, oh, man, this was so cliché! But… But…

Lucy looked back down at him, her smile gone and a smirk in its place. "Well, big boy?"

He gulped, again, and slowly leaned forwards…

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Gray snorted, leaning back against the wall and gulping a shot of tequila in one go. He rolled his eyes, grinning at the display of… Well, ew, he wasn't going to grin at that.

"Natsu wouldn't know a tit if one smacked him in the face." He jabbed a thumb towards them, seriously disbelieving that he was actually macking on someone like Lucy. "Seriously, how he'd score one from Lucy?"

Happy puffed his chest out, completely proud at his genius. "Obviously because my bro has taste."

Gray rolled his eyes, smirking as he watched Juvia approach him. He shoved Natsu away, shooing him towards the bedroom (which he was seriously hoping was empty and without any two people that shouldn't be doing things on his bed, oh god, he should have locked it!). "Get outta here, shrimp—way passed your fucking bedtime."

Happy's incredulous screeching was lost just as soon as his girl wrapped her arms around his neck.

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In the end, Gray woke up in a house that was not his, with a pair of panties on his head and nothing else to cover him up And when he reached for his phone, surprisingly safe on the nightstand, there was a text message from one Natsu Dragneel.

It read, "Best night ever. I'll do your laundry, my bad. Not."

Gray felt his blood run colder than usual and he almost had the gall to scream.


End file.
